Everything Is Personal...

everything is personal... and nothing is interpersonal.

conventionally, we tend to think that the interactions that we have with other people in this physical existence as having to do with the motives that one person has towards another. this, however, is fundamentally incorrect.

when i say that everything is personal, i mean that every action that any person takes part in is a direct result of their own feelings and emotions. primarily, it has nothing to do with the interpersonal relationship on which the action affects.

think of a recent interaction you had where you might have been considered the "victim." maybe someone you regarded as a friend made a comment or did something where you felt diminished or hurt. maybe you were attacked. you were betrayed.

in each situation, the "aggressor" was not taking your feelings into account before jumping into action. this you may agree with, but not for the right reasons. simply put, they only thought about the way they would feel before starting that interaction. even if they knew how you would react, they only ever cared about how they would feel.

this same principal works equally on positive interactions. when i say "i love you" because i know the feeling that it inspires, i know how the other person will feel when i say it, and i might like that i can affect how that other person feels... and so i care primarily that i will feel better by giving a good feeling to someone else. i don't give charity because it helps, i give charity because it makes me feel good to help.

don't let anyone fool you (or try to fool yourself): we all work on selfish motives. we only ever do anything in the attempt to fulfill our own basic needs.

now, it could be argued that when i deliberately start a fight, that i am affecting another person, maybe even deliberately so... and how could this not be an interpersonal motive?? true, there may be some ancillary or auxiliary effect, but primarily i was feeling inadequate, frustrated or disconnected... primarily, i had a personal motive to release anger...

and yet in a positive sense, even when i pause a moment in traffic to allow another motorist in my lane, this is the same principle. yes, there is an interpersonal effect that benefits another, but in my deepest intention, i allowed them in to raise my personal feeling, reveling in my magnanimous act; a smile washes my face even if the other did not appreciate it (which wouldn't matter to me anyways!)

the point i am trying to make is one that will serve your positive personal motives to feel better more of the time: when you find yourself the "victim" of a negative situation, try to judge the other person less harshly now, knowing that they are inherently not really trying to knock you down, but instead lift themselves up (even if it seems a bit misguided in their execution).

try to understand that their action was an attempt (in the greater sense) to feel better for themselves. which only creates one option for you: you must now rein in your control over your own emotions. you are better served trying to understand the other person, to let them "off the hook" more often, to receive the gift graciously, to smile at the compliment, to release the itch to scream when you are cut off in traffic... because its really, simply, always had nothing to do with you.

an additional benefit to this knowledge now is that after reading this, you might be a little bit more responsible of how you feel. maybe if you want to start a fight, you can sit back one more second and rethink if this is the best detour to a better feeling. could you find a better avenue to travel that won't send shock waves in a butterfly effect around your region?